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Kali Williams

Kali’s expertise has been sought on a variety of BDSM and sexuality topics, and she has lectured at Harvard, RISD, and Brown University as well as institutions and organizations the world over. She has also been a popular speaker particularly in the Kink community, appearing at lifestyle venues including Black Rose, Fetish Flea Fair, Leather Retreat and Kink in the Carribean. A more complete list of her speaking engagements can be found here. Please see the Speaking page if you are interested in engaging Kali to speak at your next event.

Kali has devoted herself to sexual education for adults, founding the Kink Academy in 2007 and branching out to Passionate U, an education website for adults of all levels of experience. She is also the founder of the Fearless Press, which explores all aspects of the BDSM community, from everyday life to relationships to spirituality and personal style.

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Articles

Assessment of therapists’ attitudes towards BDSM

Assessment of therapists’ attitudes towards BDSM

Published in 2012, the paper surveyed 766 therapists from the American Psychological Association’s Practice Directorate website to assess therapists’ attitudes towards the BDSM. Most people consider the APA to be a mainstream organization.

While BDSM participants are wary of their interactions with mental health professionals, the data are more encouraging. According to the paper, “The majority of those surveyed did not agree with statements equating BDSM with pathology. Sixty-seven per cent agreed or strongly agreed with the statement: ‘BDSM can be part of a healthy, long-term relationship.’ Similarly, 70% disagreed or strongly disagreed that interest in BDSM should be eliminated by therapy.”

Seventy-six per cent of therapists reported having treated at least one BDSM client but only 48% perceived themselves to be competent to treat BDSM clients. Not surprising since 64% reported receiving no training in BDSM during their graduate education. Thankfully, 52% sought additional training after graduation. Those with even some training had more accepting attitudes than those without any training. Older and more conservative therapists had more negative attitudes towards BDSM, as well.

The good news is that most are willing to learn and this is where CARAS has an important role. Currently, our conference is the only one specifically focused on alternative sexualities. It also provides American Psychological Association approved continuing education for therapists. Usually, 2/3 of our conference attendees are from outside the community. We fill a significant unmet need and we are helping mainstream appropriate therapy for people from alternative sexuality communities including BDSM.

Often, it seems that the community views therapists as potential adversaries. As this paper points out, we’ve largely won the BDSM versus pathology battle. What we need to concentrate on now, is better professional education for a largely willing and interested therapeutic community.

This was posted in the CARAS Fetlife group by entropy

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Articles

A Beginners Guide to Awesome Anal Sex

Anal sex can be incredibly hot but it is often misunderstood (no, enjoying anal sex doesn’t make someone gay, it merely means they like anal sex… and with all the nerve endings located in the anus, that’s not such a surprise!) and can be intimidating. But it’s not for everyone. If you have no desire to try anal sex, then don’t. Just like with any other sexual activity, you should never be pressured into doing something that you aren’t comfortable with.

While it’s normal to be a little apprehensive at first, here are some tips to help ease any anxiety you may have, because relaxation is key, and to guide you on the way to having some incredibly hot and sensual anal sex. And let me be brutally honest here, I love anal sex but I always approach it with a degree of apprehension because for me there is an initial discomfort (note, I didn’t say pain but discomfort) that goes far, far away and transforms into something absolutely magnificent once the object, cock, butt plug or dildo, is firmly planted in my bottom.

Clean up. One of the first things people are afraid is the cleanliness factor. What you may have seen in porn, spontaneous anal sex, is largely a fantasy. Actors and actresses prep for anal scenes, and that prep may involve something as extreme not eating the day before and definitely includes anal douching. Douching is safe and simple. You can either buy a disposable enema kit or an anal douche. If using an enema kit, replace the fluid with warm tap water, insert and expel. You may want to do this a few times until the expelled fluid is clear. With that one concern off your mind, and I know I’ve changed enough diapers to want to limit my contact with mood-killing poop, you may find you’re already much more relaxed and eager to get going.

Break out the lube. Everyone needs lubricant for anal sex. While the vagina self-lubricates, the anus does not, making lube an absolute necessity. Never mind that you’ve seen some guy spitting on some porn star’s butt before ramming it home, for one, she may be pre-lubed with a water-based product and the saliva is rehydrating it, for two, she’s a sexual athlete and you’re probably not and last, the application of prodigious amounts of lube no doubt happened before the filming began or ended up on the cutting room floor. I love porn but I’d be happier if porn was prefaced with a warning – trained professionals, please do not attempt these feats at home. Thick, gel like lubes produce a cushioning effect which makes them ideal for anal play. While you might know people who use desensitizing lubricants for anal play, I don’t recommend it. Desensitizing your bottom won’t help you relax and since these products numb the nerves, you won’t feel pain or discomfort. And pain is important; it’s your body’s natural warning system and lets you know when something is wrong before things go too far awry. By numbing yourself, you risk irritation or even serious damage to those delicate anal tissues.

Be horny. It helps to be really excited, so get ready with tons of foreplay. Whether you go down on each other, engage in some sensual massage or touching, it’s all good as long as it turns you on. Also, try stimulating the area surrounding the anus before diving in with fingers, toys or penises. The anus is nervous, you don’t want to just dive right in or it will tighten up like a clam shell with discomfort and frustration likely ensuing.

Experiment with butt plugs. Butt plugs are a great way to prepare for anal sex. First, because you can either insert it yourself or have your partner insert it as foreplay. You can try various shapes and sizes and materials until you find your perfect fit. Second, you may well find that you like to wear your butt plug during the day just because it keeps you in an aroused state. I have my mind set on trying butt plug Pilates but haven’t braved that one yet. When you remove the plug, which can be done privately or as part of play, your bottom will be more accepting. No, you aren’t going to get all stretched out; your muscles will have relaxed a bit and will soon return to their usual state.

 Go slowly. Use your fingers or a small anal toy (as long as it has a flanged base, this will prevent a not so sexy trip to the ER to retrieve a lost toy). Let it take as long as it takes to get comfortable and feel confident. If today is not the day, fine, you can try again another day.Experiment with different positions. In a seated position, you can try lowering yourself onto the cock and going at your own pace. If you’re in a doggie position, back up onto the cock. Feeling in control is another great way to alleviate anxiety and relax.Push. While this may seem counter-intuitive, bearing down relaxes your muscles. Try it. When you press in or squeeze, your muscles tighten, when you bear down the muscles ease. If you’re almost but not quite there, before giving up, try to push against the object entering your bottom. Pushing is another reason that doing a light anal douche can help you relax, you’ll be sure that nothing unexpected will be making an appearance.

Consider gloves. Gloves can prevent discomfort and scratching from ragged fingernails and provide a silky smooth surface that works great with lube. No oil-based lubes with latex gloves, as oil will degrade the glove. Plus, gloves make for simple clean up, just take’em off and toss’em. Women should be especially careful of using oil based lubes for anal sex; they tend to be thin and can drip into the vagina sending anal bacteria where it doesn’t belong.

Leading us right to just say no to ass-to-vaginal sex. Never, ever, ever go from anal sex to vaginal without using condoms and changing them in between orifices. Even with this precaution, washing the object that just came out of your butt after removing the condom is very much advisable before inserting said object into a vagina.

So if the thought of having something in your butt turns you on, go forth, get your lube, douche and butt plug ready, get excited, play with positions and take your time. Anal sex is extremely pleasurable for many men and women, it’s a definite don’t knock it till you’ve tried it activity. For a more detailed look at anal sex, check out the oh-so-fabulous Tristan Taormino’s Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex for Women.

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Articles

Sex Tips from Personal Trainer JJ Flizanes

Even if your body type fits the current media/fashion inspired ideal of what is beautiful, essentially thin is in, working out is necessary for everyone in order to maintain a level of physical and cardiovascular fitness. Don’t work out because you want change who you are and squeeze yourself into that little box mainstream media tells you is desirable, work out because you’ll feel better and when you feel good, you also feel sexy and desirable.

You know that after-sex glow you get, well think of getting an after-workout glow, that radiates beauty and well-being from the inside out.

Today, personal trainer JJ Flizanes shares her perspective on fitness along with some exercises you can do for all around sexy fitness. Break out your sweat bands and leotards and prepare to get physical!

Says JJ, “The act of lovemaking is physical, and your fitness level affects your sexual performance. Stamina, strength, and confidence are required for a pleasurable experience. Sex can be like gymnastics: you may be requested to hold a position that challenges your body in ways your workout does not. What are the key elements to include in your workout to get the full potential of your physical body? Here are a few tips from my book Fit 2 Love: How to Get Physically, Emotionally, and Spiritually Fit to Attract the Love of Your Life available on Amazon.com.”
Cardio:
Endurance training is necessary. The latest trend is to abandon steady state endurance training and only do interval training, but I disagree with that principle. Every type of exercise has a purpose. Unless you want to be a one-pump chump, you will want to be able to keep up for a long duration, and steady state endurance training is the way to go.
Upper body:
Since lovemaking rarely resembles lifting weights in the gym, try doing isometric exercises to strength your ability to hold yourself up with your arms. An isometric exercise is where you hold a position in the exercise without doing the full range of motion.
Leg Exercises:
Squats, lunges, and leg presses are great choices for building thigh (quadriceps) and butt (gluteus maximus) strength: alternate isometric exercises with long regular sets of at least 30 repetitions.
Hip Exercises:
In order to gain flexibility in your hips, you need to do exercises in all active range of motion for your hips. Do not stretch because it does not create strength. Instead, do some Pilates exercises that challenge your hips, working both the inner thigh and outer hip.
Core Exercises:
Thrusting your pelvis requires your abs to be strong enough to help do the job. The lower back muscles also need strength and flexibility to pull the pelvis back and maintain a contraction, if necessary.

Internal:
Doing kegels will strengthen the inner vaginal walls and help with orgasms for you and your partner. Kegels for men will help keep the prostate healthy. Keeping these muscles strong will also keep your sexual fitness youthful as you age.
Your Sexual Essence
Being sexually fit also means activating ecstasy, passion, and sensuality on a regular basis. This kind of energy is a magnet, not only for men, but for everyone around you. There is no need for a partner to exercise this aspect because it is an inside job.

Are you still sitting here reading? Get off the couch and get started. I’m going to dig out my weighted hula hoop once I but away the Pilates Ring I’ve been using to strengthen my inner thighs and PC muscles while I write!

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Articles

Sex Related Podcasts

There are a number of great sexuality related podcasts out there, here are a few of my favorites

Graydancer has been running the Ropecast for many years and doesn’t *just* talk about rope :)

Cunning Minx runs the fantastic Polyamory Weekly “Responsible non-monogamy from a kink-friendly, pansexual point of view”

The Masocast offers “casual conversations with intelligent, funny and all around interesting kinky people

Raven Lightholme runs Freedom of Fetish that shares “sex, relationship, and fetish advice”

The Big Little Podcast which is “an audio program by, about, and for age players of all kinds”

The Erotic Awakening podcast is hosted by Dan & Dawn Williams, Barak & Brat Sheba and Lee Harrington

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Events

The Romance of Kink

Presented by Princess Kali (aka Kali Williams) at the Good Vibrations – Brookline, MA

October 9th from 8pm – 10pm

Did you get all hot and bothered by the books read ’round the world, come to Good Vibrations October 10th @8pm

The “50 Shades of Grey” trilogy has been stirring up a lot of attention and a lot of libidos! If you (or your partner) read these books and found the spanking and silk ties arousing, then you do NOT want to miss this class. Princess Kali will talk about how to explore dominance and submission in the bedroom and how to use all those kinky toys to have a sexy good time. Learn how to bring some “oh my” into your own sex life!

PLEASE buy your tickets ahead of time if you’re planning on coming…it’s cheaper for you and guarantee’s that the class happens!

$20 in advance, $25 at the door

308A (rear) Harvard Street
Brookline, MA 02446
(617) 264-4400 Map
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New Members

Tess Danesi

I’m a former accounting nerd who decided to take my passion about sex and sexuality and reinvent myself. As a writer, I’ve been published in several erotica anthologies, as an educator, I’ve taught various workshops, and as a sexuality event planner, my vision was to create an interdisciplinary sexuality think tank and in April 2011 and March 2012, that vision brought Momentumcon.com to the DC area. I worked as the sexuality consultant for the now defunct, wholesalesextoysite.com. I’m now in the process of bringing my vision for an upscale sexy boutique with community, education, health and pleasure as its guiding principles.

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Articles

How to Multiply Your Orgasms with Sex Toys

Any orgasm is a good orgasm, but, let’s face it, some are better than others. I’ve had mellow O’s, mind-blowing O’s (quite literally, but that’s another story involving phone sex, a dying vibrator and what I thought was an aneurysm), and O’s so strong that when I got up immediately after, I had to sit back down or risk falling over. I love them all and I’m sure you love yours too. But have you learned what it takes to get your orgasms to go from satisfying to off-the-chart? Whether you’re engaging in sizzling solo sex or getting it on with a sexy partner, sex toys can lead the way towards new levels of pleasure.

Sex doesn’t start in your groin, it starts in your head, therefore the logical organ to begin stimulating is your brain. Fantasize. What makes you hot every time? Is it something dark and forbidden or is it more sweet and sensual? Do you want to be overpowered, tied up and taken? Maybe what turns you on the most is the thought of being watched. Or maybe what gets every nerve in your body tingling is the idea of a slow and sensual erotic massage. It doesn’t matter what your fantasy is; it’s yours, so own it and use it to help get yourself in that juicy mind frame before the action starts.

Whether you have a very specific fantasy or not, one that really gets you in the mood for sexy times, reading erotica can take you farther into that mysterious place that makes you hot and bothered and it can help you realize that other things you’d never thought of can really push your buttons. By choosing either themed or more general erotica, anthologies are a great way to either target your specific fantasies or open you up to the incredibly wide scope of what turns people on.

Once the sexual energy is flowing, if you’re a fan of nipple stimulation, go ahead and try some nipple clips. If you’re starting out get adjustable ones that will take you from light to heavy pressure. You can even get vibrating nipple clamps for added sensation.

I love rabbit style vibes, vibes that provide simultaneous internal and clitoral stimulation, but for some, anatomy can make hitting on the perfect one for you challenging. The easy way around that, and one that provides greater versatility, is using a clit vibe in tandem with a dildo or a separate vibrator, one that hits your g-spot is even better. It may require two hands but it’s definitely worth the extra effort. Also, and this is true for me, after a while, you may not particularly need thrusting, but just love the feeling of fullness you get with a dildo or vibe in place. Giving your vaginal muscles something to grasp and squeeze against when orgasming tends to pump up the power.

So your head’s in the right place, you’re merrily buzzing along feeling those amazing sensations in and around you clitoris, you have a dildo inside that you can contract your muscles around bringing you closer and closer — what else could you do to make this even better? Well, here’s where I like to go for the trifecta and make use of a butt plug.

You can start your session out by inserting the plug of your choice, and with the amazing variety of butt plugs out there, you’re sure to find one that’s just right for you, or you can add one after you’ve warmed up a bit. The feeling of being filled, back and front, is truly one I adore. If you’ve ever had double penetration fantasies, this is a great, safe way to experience those sensations.

Using sex toys is one way to take your orgasms from great to un-freaking-believable. Take your time, give these techniques a go when you’re not rushed and can really relax into the sensations, try adding one toy at a time, and remember you can try these with a partner too. There’s no reason not to add a clit vibe or a butt plug when you’re having sex with your partner.

Whatever you decide to try, let’s all applaud orgasms. Orgasms relieve stress, help you sleep better and heal faster. They’re a form of natural pain management and can help you lose weight, both my burning calories and curbing craving, and they increase blood flow keeping you looking younger and glowingly healthy. Simply put: orgasms rock. Yay, orgasms!

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New Members

Graydancer

A veteran of the stage, Graydancer has been a feature performer and M.C. for Madison’s hottest burlesque company, Foxy Veronica’s Peach Pies, as well as recently being asked to perform at Kink in the Caribbean. His GRUEs (a kink-oriented Open Space) have been held all over the U.S., Canada, and Europe. In 1998 Gray formed satorimedia, a company through which he professionally rigs, photographs, shoots, edits, and consults in web, video, and social media for several clients ranging from Kink.com to the National Coalition for Sexual Freedom to the Kink Academy. You can also hear Graydancer as a guest on various other popular podcasts such as Polyamory Weekly and Dart’s Domain. Currently he plies his trade as an itinerant Rope Artist, Kink Educator and Sex-Positive Activist, smiting the evil of sloppy ends wherever they may lie. He’s one of the easiest people to stalk on the web, with twitter, google, tumblr, or just at a kink event near you. The easiest way to get hold of Graydancer is to email him: graydancer@gmail.com. He’s also Graydancer on Twitter, Fetlife, Facebook, and anywhere else he can get away with it.

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Interviews

Dr. Ruthie – Sexuality Communicator

How long have you been teaching?

I began offering sex education in 2000, during an undergraduate college internship at a women’s health clinic. I first began teaching about sexual well-being professionally around 2003 and it has become a bigger part of my life every year since!

When did you start to identify as an educator? Was it the same time, or was it later?

I believe it was in 2005 that I first started thinking of myself as an educator instead of a volunteer or outreach worker. It was at that time that I began teaching about sex and gender as a guest lecturer in University classrooms, and that somehow legitimized things for me. Of course, now I realize that one doesn’t need to teach at a school to be an educator.

Did you do anything in particular to prepare for being a sex educator?

Yes, I got a LOT of training and mentorship! My own university studies did not focus on sex or gender most of the time, unfortunately. So, I attended a lot of professional conferences and other training events, read every good book and journal article I could, became a member of relevant professional associations, and went out of my way to network with experienced educators who could mentor me. And I still do all of those things! Now I contribute to all of those avenues as a professional, too.

How did you get started in sex education?

I was fortunate to have an internship with a local clinic’s pregnancy options counselors (aka an abortion counselor) when I was an undergrad. I learned a great deal during that time, and not just just about the politics and experiences around abortion.

Are there any topics that you consider your specialty?

I do a great deal of work around gender-queer and sex-queer experiences and identities, as well as sex & aging and sex & disability. However, most of my work is of a generalist nature, and is focused on sexual communication, techniques, and pleasure.

Have you seen any changes in the sex positive community education over the years?

It’s possible that I’ve simply become more aware of the community with time and involvement, but I do think we’re a growing movement! With the slow growth in relevant university programs and other training opportunities, we’re also becoming a better educated movement.

Do you have any pet peeves about sex educators?

There is a lot of value in sharing one’s sexual experiences, but that isn’t the same thing as sex education. Quality sex educators do not assume that their experiences are (or should be) representative of others’, nor do they teach from their own experiences. It’s an easy mistake to make, but it’s unfortunately how often I see educators who seem to be unaware that it is a mistake.

What advice would you give aspiring sex/kink educators?

You don’t need a university degree in this area to do good work, but you do need to invest a great deal of your time, energy, and resources into your own training. And that commitment never ends! If you’re not willing to dedicate yourself to ongoing learning, then you’re putting yourself and those who learn from you at risk.